In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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