He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
