youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
