I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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