my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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