Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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