Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
