Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
