How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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