I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
