Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
