i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
