my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
