I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
