im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
