Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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