my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
