So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
