I will die if light touches me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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