Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
