I cannot find my penis.
It was confusing and full of hummus
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
