are you wasted or are you getting laid?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can