I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch