she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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