so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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