I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
