Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
