That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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