Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
