i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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