So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
