my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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