3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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