Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
