now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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