I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
