so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
