If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
