you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
