I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
