She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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