Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
