Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize