im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
