I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
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I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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