you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
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I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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