New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
