I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
