My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
