OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
