between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
