Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
