Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
