I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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