I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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