I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
