what day is it and did you see me today?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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