yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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